today is not on my side.

i woke up late, to instant coffee, INSTANT coffee.

got to school. in a downer mood. funny how everyone's so annoying when you don't wanna be around human beings.

got my history essay back with a lovely big NOT ACHIEVED across the top. super.

kept my mouth shut the entire hour of sociology.

best friend tells me at lunch time that some girls i don't even know, and who definately don't even know me, were having a nice little bitch session about something they know nothing about. i love when people make assumptions. so now i'm a "slut". which is awesome. i swear if they had any idea whatsoever, they'd keep their mouths well and truly shut.

on second thought, i guess it's better for them to think what they think, than to know the truth.

cried.

had an arguement with someone i despise arguing with.

offloaded onto kels.

pushed away her advice.

sorry kelsey.

cried again.

didn't have the patience for people in english.

oh oh oh, and how about we make it all better; i have parent teacher interviews now. which i have to attend with mother dearest. which will definately result in a lecture, tears and another lecture. no doubt about it.

i do, however, LOVE this picture. we found it in a fashion magazine a while ago. it's gorgeeeous.

christopher drew.

okay okay, sam. it's just the picture that i like. it is very delicious.

what made me very happy tonight, was a 3 way MSN conversation with kelsey and lydia. signed in and found them BOTH online. it was like christmas. honestly. then i cried with laughter at kelsey's typing errors. hilarious i tell you. love you girls. "bagy"

kelsey andrew.

where are you in my life? i worked out that i haven't laid eyes on you for like, a month. A MONTH kelsey, not impressed. probably miss you quite a bit. probably believe that we have a lot to catch up on. probably think you should move in next door. seriously, do it. i'd be a very happy girl.

so today in classics, i wasn't doing my work, obviously.

instead; i was looking through hannah's programme for the performing arts competitions. i may or may not have counted how many classes you're shaking your ass (dancing) in. 9 tap, and 7 modern or something? well, that's what i counted. came to the conclusion that you are some kind of dancing machine and that i will be coming to watch one or two of these dances. good. brilliant.

it is true. i miss you a lot. must see you ASAP. or i'll go even crazier than what i am now.

these things remind me of you on a regular basis:

you still have my ricky DVD's. better be taking extra special care. this is turning into a really long post. i don't really care.

is it out of line, if i was to be bold and say, would you be mine?

SAAAYYYYYY IIITTTTTTT. you know what i mean. good girl.

i better be seeing you this weekend. i love you.

sleeping=ugh.

days just drag now. draggity drag drag drag.

i want cigarettes. someone, please?

come closer now, i know your desire is to be desired
steal a kiss yet, and call us friends
distance is the thief in which you conspire

time and time and time will tell, time will tell or tear us apart
you're miles and miles and miles away. silence reveals where we really are

you only stayed to break my heart
i can tell it by the way you run away
runaway girl

it's clearer now, you're nowhere into giving into me
it's your fault, you're like a rare disease
i know you're in love with love, i believe

do you expect me to wait here? all alone in my thoughts and fears
my whole life could flash before your eyes, hope one day that you realize
this isn't the way it's supposed to be, this is your life girl, now without me
may regrets for us well up inside, as feelings for you are buried alive

i only stayed to break your heart
you can tell it by the way i walk away
runaway girl
i only stayed to break your heart
you can tell it by the way i run away
runaway girl
run away runaway girl.

this post is mostly just to point out how super excited i am to see anberlin in auckland on the 20th of august. they are most definately one of my favourite bands ever. yay (:

stress stress stress. honestly, everything bothers me. not in a perfectionist way though. in an impatient, short tempered way. got outta bed at 12:30pm, started doing my assignment, now i'm irritated and angry and don't wanna talk to anyone. sajkdgjsdahgsjdhg. bad.

today i worked 8-4. i made about a million zillion coffees. now my hands smell like coffee and my legs have stopped working. it rules. off to bethy's (: yay.

story of my life right there.

Sociology report:

lauren's attitude has hindered her from making the most of the perspectives and content introduced in sociology this year. she does show the potential to achieve excellent results if she can be more understanding and tolerant of other people and their ideas. lauren is very confrontational and overpowering in her interactions, which takes her focus away from tasks at hand.

i'm sorry, but this makes me SO angry. honestly, this woman and i have a severe personality clash. our attitudes "conflict". she thinks i'm a snotty little bitch. possibly not used to people disagreeing with her. hmm. i don't know. i'm not happy. someone cheer me up.

right now i can't decide.

is it better for me to take 4 doses of pain meds and get some sleep, like i've done every night for over a month, and which 70% of the time results in nightmares and/or waking up at 3am.

or;

stay up, not even attempt to sleep, do my sociology, and not fuxck up my insides any more.

but then i did decide. i've gone for the painkillers. insides, please forgive.

p.s; just after i posted this blog, my 18 year old brother, who has a suspected case of swine flu (seriously, he's on tamiflu and everything), came and drew a penis on my arm with a whiteboard marker. reeeeeal mature swine boy.

funny though, hahaha. very funny.

well you know i hardly speak.when i do it's just for you. i haven't said a word in weeks 'cause they've been keeping me from you.

there's a way where there's a will. you know i got no need for stairs. step out on the window sill, fall with me into the air.

so, here we go. hold on tight and don't let go. i won't ever let you fall. i love the night flying o'er these city lights. but I love you most of all.

well there's something you should know. girl you should have died that day. you fell reaching for the rose, baby i was there to save you.

a song for milly michaelson-thrice

those photos make me melt.

i am convinced that i would no longer have such trouble sleeping, if i had this to sleep in.

honestly, i am sorry.

dear kelsey.

so so so so so true.

sammy.

please stay out of my dreams.

staring out the window.
memories of you and i.
i never wanted things to be like this.
you'll always be close to my heart.
and I will never forget the times we've had.

for you my friend, i miss the times.
i don't want this all to be the end.
understanding won't mean a thing.
it's hard to deal with what's come between us.

i'll hope that one day you'll forgive.
though i've been foolish with your trust.

oh, no.
watch out, i'm coming back my friend.
i'm sorry for the things i've done.
for you my friend.
remember our talks till three a.m.
it feels like it was just yesterday.
please take this plea because it's all i have.
please take my plea because it's all i have.

rose among the ashes-inhale exhale

pretty much describes it PERFECTLY.

you,

were impossible to be with. but so painful to be without.

credit for my SIX whole hours of sleep last night; paracetamol and honeyrose. thanks again honeyrose.

migraine, GO AWAY. i don't need you right now.

you know things are bad when going to bed at night, is harder than getting out of it in the morning. in the middle of winter.

i plan on quitting bedtime. it's bad for me. last night i lay in bed, wide awake, from 10.30pm, till after 4am. and then my body finally decided to give me sleep. had a nightmare. there was a terrorist. it was horrible. woke up screaming at 6.30am. so yeah. no more bedtime, no more frustration and no more nightmares.

today has been so good. woke up feeling positive and it's carried me through all day.

things are finally starting to look up;

i'm finishing school at the end of this year. to study counselling at bethlehem tertiary institute. if i can't get in next year, it's definately going to be the year after, and i'll take a year off from education and work so i have money to be a student haha.

but yeah, I'M LEAVING SCHOOL!

obviously this is very exciting for me.

i'm so passionate about helping people out, especially when they're at the lowest and need someone to listen and give advice.

and i've just experienced my lowest.

today i discovered the wonders of herbal cigarettes. thanks honeyrose.

whooooaaaaaahhhhh.

how hot are my parents?!

it ends here. all this silliness and hurting myself and the people i love. no more. no more lies and faking smiles. i'm going to be happy, and i'm going to get stronger. i'm going to start eating and stop the drinking and the smoking and the anger and the swearing and the pushing people out. no more hiding from my feelings, no more hangovers at work, no more taking 8 painkillers to get to sleep every night. no more pretending everything's fine, no more fronts. honesty and open heart is my goal.

confession: i'm not okay.

i need help. i need alot of help. and now i'm going to stop just saying i'm gonna get it, and actually get it.

sammy, kelsey, lydia: i'm sorry for hurting you girls. you are my everything, that's the truth. i don't deserve the three most beauiful, caring, loving, patient, fun, supportive, forgiving best friends in the world. i've messed up badly. i didn't realise that all this was having such a huge impact on you girls.

sammy: you light up my every day. having you at school this year has been the best thing ever. i'll never forgive myself for believing a stupid boy over my best friend. you've been with me through so much, you really are my soul sister. we annoy eachother, yes. but i wouldn't have it any other way. thank you for taking care of me last night. it won't happen again. i didn't mean what i said, you know that.

kelsey: i can't believe how amazing you've been over the last couple of months. your encouraging texts, your willingness to help, your way of telling me exactly what i need to hear exactly when i don't wanna hear it, just the way you look out for me. you deserve the best baby. and i really hope this one works out.

lydia: i'm so sorry i've been avoiding you lately. it's easier than facing up to things. your strength and faith and morals astound me. you are the strongest girl i know. from now on, i tell you everything. the good and the bad. i miss you gorgeous. so bad. ice tea lemonade date tomorrow please.

i'm sorry. i'm so so so sorry.

tatoo:

getting matching with my sister. but i don't know where?

i like my walls, thank you very much.

Gaspard Ulliel:

(maybe 4th on the list....)

i hate bedtime. i hate it i hate it i hate it. i hate waking up from nightmares, freezing and sweating at 3am, every night. then going back into restless "sleep" for another couple of hours. then waking up, relying on coffee to keep me alive for the day, and having the same problem the next night. don't know why i bother, from now on i just won't even try. i'll stay up and do an asssignment or something stupid like that.

i want a sick day. or just for sammy to stop having sick days. come to school bitch. i love you x

i promise you honey, i will do anything to protect you from the world. noone should've ever hurt you like this. you are so precious to me. you light up my day, every single day, you inspire me to smile when all i want to do is cry. thank you for talking to me about stuff tonight. we'll get through this together, i'm here to hold your hand wherever baby. i love you x

top three.

Brandon Flowers

Travis Mccoy

Josh Beech

i love dancing to "smile like you mean it" in the mornings with my brother and sister. then double shot caramel lattes with my sister. then having a really good day. haven't had one of those in weeks. happy happy (:

i want these. in 12mm please and thank you.

heartbroken. in every sense of the word. and it physically hurts. my whole chest.

from this day forward, i'm not going to feel anything for anyone. love hurts too much, hate's too complicated.

a typical conversation in my house:

becky: mum, do we have any glue?

mum: we did, but then you put it all over your hands and let it dry and then peeled it off. remember?

becky: oh yeah...

mum: i told you at the time you'd wish you hadn't done that.

becky: never regret anything that made you happy....

HAHAHAHA. i love my little sister.

another recent favourite;

becky: if i wrote a letter to megan, and addressed it to "voldemort" instead of "megan", but with megan's address, would the postman still know to deliver it to megan?

oh what, she's 14. yes. classic.

9.30pm: 6 paracetamol in one go.

10pm: sit in bed. don't go into the bottom drawer. don't go into the bottom drawer. don't go into the bottom drawer.

10.15pm: send abusive text messages to a certain deserving someone.

10.23pm: read through my journal. read what was going on this time last year. wish for it back.

10.30pm: write down my thoughts. read back through them. realise my life is seriously depressing.

10.45pm: lights out. "we get on"-by kate nash still in my head. dammit.

11pm: lights back on. don't take any more pills. don't take any more pills. don't take any more pills.

11.30pm(ish): fall into some kind of unconcious state.

3am: wake up from a disturbing dream. don't text him. he won't care.

5am: back to sleep.

6.45am: hit snooze.

6.55am: get up. get dressed. bottom drawer.... don't do it.

7.15am: print essay

7.55am: evie picks me up. greerton.... coffee. mcdonalds hash browns, feel sick.

8.44am: late to assembly, with coffee. form teacher makes a snide remark about setting goals to achieve, aimed at me.

school, home, wait for evie to come over.

evie, hurry up. i'm going insane.

i am trying so hard to control myself. not let anything get to me. gotta stay out of the bottom drawer. it will only make things worse. alskdufgalksdjgfalskdjgflaksdjfglaksjdfglaksjdfglaksjdfg. stupid essay.

i managed 1 class today. then i came home with a "headache" and have done absolutely nothing all day. my favourite. but now i've actually got a headache. guess i deserved that. i've found that in general, you get what's coming. if you know what i mean....

damn my immunity to painkillers and inability to sleep. looks like i'll just have to see this headache out.

this week:

feel nothing, think nothing, tell nothing, let nothing in, pretend everything.

oh, and quit fooling yourself, going to bed doesn't mean you're gonna sleep. stay up and write an essay or something. it's more productive than tossing and turning.

"This life... is what you make it. No matter what you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is, you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come & go too. & babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart. but you can't give up because if you give up, You'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole. & that goes for everything; Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, & always, always, always believe in yourself. Because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So. Keep your head high. Keep your chin up. & most importantly, keep smiling. Because life's a beautiful thing & there's so much to smile about."

- Marilyn Monroe

confiscate everything in my bottom drawer. please.

the most annoying thing about essays is that no matter how long you put them off, they're still there. but then i found this gorgeous video and fell in love all over again.

watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f76oTcUD__E

...and she said, "i apologise, i fell in love with the one i told myself i never would. i would've given him anything, just for one kiss. for one moment. just for one daydream to come to life. to be his girl, to be held and loved. to be kissed on the forehead and promised that "everything will be just fine, the world can't hurt you because i love you, and you're safe in my arms" i guess that, the one i let in to my heart, only ever wanted to break it."

and then... "it hurts. i promise you it hurts. i just refuse to show you that he's broken me."

new shoes. but i gok styled them and cut off the fringing. loooooooooky:

annddd.... i love this man more than my life.

"lost, afraid and inlove."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

no you're not. try... "weak, liar and couldn'tcarelessaboutthepeopleyoupretendtolove"

go on. just say it. everything hurts anyway. might as well add a little bit more.

and don't tell me you love me. if you loved me you wouldn't forget about me when i need you the most. you'd be here with me, holding me tight. but you aren't. and you won't.

i

wish

you

cared

as

much

as

you

pretend

to

care.

when i say i don't care/nothing's wrong/i'm fine etc... i'm trying to convince myself.

days just drag now. i try to think as little as possible. feel as little as possible. i'm getting better at it.

i'm sick of being scared to go to sleep.

i've had bob dylan in my head all day.

i have serious trouble sitting still and paying attention to what i'm meant to be paying attention to.

i'd so much rather entertain my daydreams.... to run away to a small house in the middle of nowhere with a fireplace and a kitten and a cosy bed and no stresses or reason to think about anything but freedom and love. please visit me, but only if you're nice. if you just want to hurt or confuse me, kindly stay away.

i seriously need to leave school. it's messing with my mental health.

to do list:

-1000 word classics essay on ancient greek sculpture

-sociology internal

-buy a full length mirror

-stop thinking about boy

-start thinking about school work

-stop feeling

-drink atleast one more double shot coffee today

-tidy my room

-make things right

-cook dinner

-find some sort of appetite to eat dinner

-re paint my nails

-haircut

-listen to the killers louder in the mornings

-coffee date with beth

-take some "mental health" days off school (wag)

-stop drawing on nina in bio

-stop drawing on emily in history

-stop colouring everything in instead of listening to teachers

-leave school

-journal more

-get my other ear up to 12mm

-get some gloves

-be even more excited about yasmin coming home for good on friday

-less blogspot, more essay (unlikely)

-find more painkillers

-stop checking my phone, he won't text me, silly girl

-move to england with kelsey

-get a magic carpet

-watch aladdin with someone

-stop google image searching brandon flowers

-stop google image searching josh beech

-find my ipod

-tidy up evie's ipod

-take my iron pills

-take my calcium pills

-take my vitamin d pills

-decide what to do with my life. preferably something that doesn't involve 7th form

-hang out with people who have a cool outlook on life

-watch home and away

-right now

-publish post

most things on this list will never get done. but it's a nice idea.

i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care.

hey guess what? i don't care.

note to self: it only hurts if you let it hurt. life's easier if you don't feel anything at all, especially not love. good.

dear you,

know that i've told you everything, my fears, my issues, my hurts and insecurities, i'd thank you not to betray the trust i have in you. this is not easy for me. you know my biggest secrets now, and i told you because i needed to for you to understand me. now maybe you do. my heart is so vulnerable for you, it's terrifying. i never planned to fall this hard. but i have, and i do not enjoy being hurt. please and thank you.

omnia vincit amor-love conquers all.

and i'm beginning to realise this statement is truth to the very core.

chrissy-bee, i miss you terribly.

this man is the definition of class. welcome, brandon flowers. (the second photo is my favourite. wow.)

i'm about to do something stupid. and i do not give a damn.

(:

i'd just like the truth please. you know i'm a sucker for you.

and precious girl, you won't read this... but hang in there. please. things are tough now, but they will get better. i love you, seeing you hurting this much kills me. i'm always here. my advice is rubbish but my ears are open and my arms are open.  i'll do anything i can. you're beautiful and worth so much more than you could ever know. the brave face you put on will break eventually, and i'll be there. always. don't listen to what people say, you are so much better than that. please know i'm here, and i'll keep your secrets so close. i care so much. i love you.

hello. i love you. 

Would you pay someone to kill the last person who hurt you most?
nope. i'd miss him too much dammit.

What color are your eyes?
hazelish. but the bits that are meant to be white, are really blue. i'm mutant.

Is your hair naturally straight?
wish it was.

Is there something you want to say to someone but can't / won't?
YES.

What was going through your mind during your last kiss?
i don't even remember. 

Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
i don't even understand my relationship status at this current moment in time.

Have you ever slept in the same bed as the same sex?
yes.

How many cell phones have you had?
4 i think.

What do you think about when you are falling asleep?
i hardly ever fall asleep these days. but if i do, it's him.

Will this weekend be a good one?
doubt it.

What do you need?
coffee. i always need coffee.

Do you use smiles on the computer alot?
depends on what kinda mood i'm in.

When was the last time you bought something?
this afternoon, two packets of painkillers and gum haha.

You have a crazy side?
i guess.


When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
does my brother count? just a few minutes ago.

Has anyone ever told you they love you?
yip.

In one word, how do you feel right now?
tense.

Could you go a month without cursing?
yeah.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
only every day.

Do you know a guy named David?
yes i do.

Who was the last person to make you laugh?
my sister. she's hilarious.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?
yesssssssss.

How tall are you?
161cms and shrinking. seriously.

What do you hear?
the washing machine.

Are there any pictures in your room?
loads.

What are you going to do after this?
go take painkillers and lie in bed.

What were you doing this morning at 4am?
crying i think. 

Do you know anyone that smokes weed?
sure.

Do you call anybody by their last name?
sometimes.

Do you wear makeup?
yes sir. it hides the crazy black circles round my eyes.

Skirts or jeans?
depends on my mood.

Hoops or dangling earrings?
stretchers.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
most nights. not in a depressing way, just in a frustrated way.

How's the weather?
frizzling.

Is anything upsetting you right now?
yeah.

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
nope.

Are you dying to take off your clothes?
what kind of question is that.

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?
auckland.

Told your parents you were going somewhere but went somewhere else?
yeah.

Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life?

yepo.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
texting.

What happened at 10:00 AM?
i started this stupid survey.

Do you drink coffee?
only atleast 4 times every day.

What is the latest you've stayed up in the past week?
i stay up late every night. not intentionally.

If you walk by a mirror, will you check yourself out in it?
i guess.

If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go?
without a second thought. who wants to take me?

Would you eat a live tarantula for $1,000?

nope.

Do you like being around a large group of friends, or a best friend?
both are nice. probably best friend.

Spell your name without a y:
lauren.

What was the last thing you ate?
uhh... i don't remember.

Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to?
no.

Have you ever had the cops called on you?

i'm a good girl.

Do you swallow gum when you're done with it?
depends.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
cucumber.

Ever spin around in circles until you got so dizzy you fell?
sure.

How long does it take for you to take a shower?
10minutes maybe.

Do you live on your own?
that'd be nice.

Is love even real to you?
nothing's really real to me, unless i can touch it. i'm weird like that.

Warm up near a fire or cuddle under the stars?

cuddle neear a fire under the stars.

Do you like to sleep?
what's sleep?

Is your bed comfortable?
yes.

Do you have to sleep with a television on?
ugh no.

Are you in a good mood today?
generally.

Do you need to say anything to someone?
i love you, come back.

How many months until your birthday?
4.

Can you successfully blow up and tie a balloon?
i'm pro at it.

Last person you went swimming with?
never go swimming. i hate it.

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
i guess.

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
school. not keen.

When and where did you last cry?
my bed last night.

Something you're happy about?
seeing the girls tomorrow.

Who are you going to marry?
you tell me.

What color shirt are you wearing?

black twloha hoodie.

Would you live with someone without marrying them?
i'm not married to anyone in my family and i've lived with them for 16 years.