Friday, June 19, 2009

it ends here. all this silliness and hurting myself and the people i love. no more. no more lies and faking smiles. i'm going to be happy, and i'm going to get stronger. i'm going to start eating and stop the drinking and the smoking and the anger and the swearing and the pushing people out. no more hiding from my feelings, no more hangovers at work, no more taking 8 painkillers to get to sleep every night. no more pretending everything's fine, no more fronts. honesty and open heart is my goal.

confession: i'm not okay.
i need help. i need alot of help. and now i'm going to stop just saying i'm gonna get it, and actually get it.

sammy, kelsey, lydia: i'm sorry for hurting you girls. you are my everything, that's the truth. i don't deserve the three most beauiful, caring, loving, patient, fun, supportive, forgiving best friends in the world. i've messed up badly. i didn't realise that all this was having such a huge impact on you girls.
sammy: you light up my every day. having you at school this year has been the best thing ever. i'll never forgive myself for believing a stupid boy over my best friend. you've been with me through so much, you really are my soul sister. we annoy eachother, yes. but i wouldn't have it any other way. thank you for taking care of me last night. it won't happen again. i didn't mean what i said, you know that.
kelsey: i can't believe how amazing you've been over the last couple of months. your encouraging texts, your willingness to help, your way of telling me exactly what i need to hear exactly when i don't wanna hear it, just the way you look out for me. you deserve the best baby. and i really hope this one works out.
lydia: i'm so sorry i've been avoiding you lately. it's easier than facing up to things. your strength and faith and morals astound me. you are the strongest girl i know. from now on, i tell you everything. the good and the bad. i miss you gorgeous. so bad. ice tea lemonade date tomorrow please.

3 comments:

KelseyJayy said...

oh baby. i love you. thankyou. his made me happy. all i want is you to be happy.

jasmine said...

wow. this took a lot of courage. you should be REALLY proud of yourself for taking this step and admitting that you need help. you are gonna be just fine. just keep taking care of yourself.

samantha. said...

i love you, you are such a wonderful beautiful girl.

i know you didn't mean it, and i am here for you always.

everything is going to be okay.