Wednesday, September 30, 2009

see you next tuesday..
old habits die hard.
oh brandon,
you sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways. you play forgiveness, watch him now- here he comes
he doesn't look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman, like you imagined when you were young.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

and i've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance
and up until now
i had sworn to myself that i'm content with loneliness

because none of it was ever worth the risk, but
you are the only exception
and i'm on my way to believing.
i spent the whole of last night in awe of how hot my best friends are.
thank you for the best night ladies x
i have the most amazing friends and whanau in the entire world. good good day. i want the photos. x

Monday, September 28, 2009

me and dallas green have the same birthday.
and yes, that does make me cooler than you.
it's my birthday in 13 minutes.
BBC: A massive rescue operation is under way in the Philippines, where at least 72 people are feared to have died following the worst flooding in decades in the capital Manila and nearby provinces. More than 250,000 have been driven from their homes.
one of my best friends flies here tomorrow morning. please take care eden i love you.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

pirates vs. gangsters - ninjas vs. nerds
dance party.
my friends are ridiculously attractive.
boom, i just slept for 15 hours.
i challenged my whole family to a sleep-in-off last night. i definately won.
we'd be perfect for each other,
if you weren't just like me.
in the last 2 days, i've had 2 hours sleep, 13 hours of work, and eaten one meal.
completely shattered.

Friday, September 25, 2009

andy warhol
fun night.
definately gonna be worth waking up and not being able to walk.
yay yay yay.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

chances are, when you think you've found mr. perfect-
he'll either be
a) taken
b) gay
c) a complete dickhead
d) all of the above.
i find this extremely frustrating.
good lord, i never thought i'd see the day when the best words to describe my feelings, are taylor swift lyrics.
why can't you see? you belong with me.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Yours is the first face that I saw,
Think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go
So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realized that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home.

I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said,
This is the first day of my life,
Glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy.
i need a hug. really bad.

Monday, September 21, 2009

this week

going up:
kanye west, kanye west at the VMAs, kanye west jokes, running, VAMPIRE WEEKEND, spearmint gum, wagging school, birthday in a week, holidays soon, not smoking anymore, driving with dad, 3 days left of the term, tax refund, rice, facebook, making lollie-cake with my sister, dad making up songs about the cat, saying 'good-evening' to strangers when i run past them, people who say 'good-evening' back when i run past them, nail polish, acid-wash jeans, bethany and her brother having a conversation on my facebook status, fair-trade coffee/chocolate, going to the supermarket in my pajamas, going to youth group in my pajamas, going everywhere after 7 in my pajamas, being home alone and turning the music up really loud.

going down:
taylor swift, clapping, wearing shoes, anything orange, not smoking anymore, appliances that beep, people who don't say 'good-evening' back when i run past them, 5th formers during exam week, yasmin not being avaliable for coffee tomorrow, failing history straight through, stupid people.
maybe maybe daddy will take me to get this for my birthday.
i really should start taking my education more seriously.
ie; not wagging.
ricky gervais.
i absolutely, ADORE this man.

How am I supposed to pretend
I never want to see you again?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

truth is, i can't get you out of my head
and it's driving me crazy.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

the calender hung itself

Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head?
And does he sing to you incessantly from the space between your bed and wall?
Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes?
Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you.
Oh, does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched
and does he cry through broken sentences like I love you far too much?

Does he lay awake listening to your breath?
Worried you smoke too many cigarettes.
Is he coughing now on a bathroom floor?
For every speck of tile there's a thousand more
you won't ever see but most hold inside yourself eternally

Well, I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death.
In every city, memories would whisper: "Here is where you rest."
I was determined in Chicago but I dug my teeth into my knees
and I settled for a telephone and sang into your machine.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

And I kissed a girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her.
She had eyes bright enough to burn me. They reminded me of yours.
And in a story told she was a little girl in a red-rouge, sun-bruised field
and there were rows of ripe tomatoes where a secret was concealed.
And it rose like thunder, clapped under our hands.
And it stretched for centuries to a diary entry's end where I wrote,
You make me happy oh!! when skies are gray
You make me happy oh!! when skies are gray and gray and gray.

Well the clock's heart it hangs inside its open chest with hands
stretched towards the calendar hanging itself
but I will not weep for those dying days.
For all the ones who've left there's a few that stayed.
And they found me here and pulled me from the grass where I was laid.

i can't get this song out of my head. it's been freaking me out.

Friday, September 18, 2009

are we human, or are we dancer?
i think we're getting closer and closer to human every day.
-brandon flowers
10 days till my birthday, which means 10 days till i get my top three ladies all together at once. yeeeee.
sorrow drips into your heart through a pin-hole. just like a faucet that leaks, and there is comfort in the sound. but while you debate half-empty or half-full.. it slowly rises,
your love is gonna drown.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

i'm so sick of everything now. nothing changes ever. everyone just keeps getting more and more self-absorbed every day. everyone's just so busy hating eachother for no reason. i'm tired of hating, it hurts more than i realise. hating everything, it's coming back, worse this time and it won't go unless i pick myself up and do something about it. i'm starting counselling next week, i think i probably need it more than i realise. it'll take a massive breaking down of all the lies i've told to actually get through to me. i lie all the time, out of habit cos i don't want people knowing that my way of coping is destroying myself. pretending is good. i cover the marks and only let myself actually feel anything when there's noone else around. but now i'm just so sick of it. i can't keep functioning like this. i quit hating people, anyone reading this, guess what? i don't hate you. isn't that nice? yeah. good. i know. i need next year to start. good things are gonna happen nextyear. with good people who i need to be around. nextyear's not even that far away. atleast i made it through this year, right? well so far, haha. seriously, there was a time i wasn't so sure. and i have to be reminded of that every day when i wake up. it hurts to remember that shit, hurts to see it. noone knows the whole story, i don't even know the whole story. i needa learn to put the past in the past, maybe my counsellor will help me. maybe i'll actually make an effort to open up and be vulnerable and let myself trust her to help me get better. be better. i need a new start, but i'm still battling my will, which tells me that i don't want a new start. old habits come back. self-destruction.
maybe a long break in the middle of nowhere.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009