Thursday, September 17, 2009

i'm so sick of everything now. nothing changes ever. everyone just keeps getting more and more self-absorbed every day. everyone's just so busy hating eachother for no reason. i'm tired of hating, it hurts more than i realise. hating everything, it's coming back, worse this time and it won't go unless i pick myself up and do something about it. i'm starting counselling next week, i think i probably need it more than i realise. it'll take a massive breaking down of all the lies i've told to actually get through to me. i lie all the time, out of habit cos i don't want people knowing that my way of coping is destroying myself. pretending is good. i cover the marks and only let myself actually feel anything when there's noone else around. but now i'm just so sick of it. i can't keep functioning like this. i quit hating people, anyone reading this, guess what? i don't hate you. isn't that nice? yeah. good. i know. i need next year to start. good things are gonna happen nextyear. with good people who i need to be around. nextyear's not even that far away. atleast i made it through this year, right? well so far, haha. seriously, there was a time i wasn't so sure. and i have to be reminded of that every day when i wake up. it hurts to remember that shit, hurts to see it. noone knows the whole story, i don't even know the whole story. i needa learn to put the past in the past, maybe my counsellor will help me. maybe i'll actually make an effort to open up and be vulnerable and let myself trust her to help me get better. be better. i need a new start, but i'm still battling my will, which tells me that i don't want a new start. old habits come back. self-destruction.
maybe a long break in the middle of nowhere.

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