Friday, July 31, 2009

call it off..

maybe i would have been something you'd be good at,
maybe you would have been something i'd be good at..
but now we'll never know,
i won't be sad but in case i'll go there everyday..
to make myself feel bad
there's a chance i'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do..
mylanta + grunty prescription painkillers + cigarettes + energy drink + coffee = feeling very very weird
p.s i still miss you.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

i have burnt insides. it's extremely painful.
if you ever read my blog again, you should know that i miss you and this isn't right. and there's a whole bunch more things i wish i could say... but for now, hope you're okay.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

i'm reading the orphaned anything's, by stephen christian again.
i love it. so full of sarcasm and deepness and spelling errors. aside from the bad grammar, it's great. i love stephen christian. he's kindof inspiring.
i'm really unwell & not at school.
gonna take my medicine and get back to bed. thanks doc.
aw aww aww, how cute is this picture.
love you x

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

confession: i do enjoy the odd coffee & cigarette date every once in a while.
i'm sick of waiting around for you to make your mind up.
let go. as though you haven't already.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Opened up his little heart
Unlocked the lock that kept it dark
And read a written warning
Saying ‘I’m still mourning
Over ghosts
Over ghosts
Over ghosts
Over ghosts that broke my heart before I met you’

Sunday, July 26, 2009

didn't go to school today.
why? no reason, just didn't want to go. good.
instead i sat in bed till 10.30, got up to go for coffee with eden, sat in the sun and had lovely chats with him, then walked home and i've spent the last hour sitting on the deck, in the sunshine listening to tegan & sara and doing my history assignment.
good day. just what i needed.
i'm free.
i wish i could explain church tonight. but i don't even remember most of what happened. demons were cast out of my body. not kidding, evil spirits were released. anyone who was in that building will testify. the lowest point of my life, the absolute lowest, curled up on the floor at the altar, pastors all around me, demanding these things out. i don't even know how long i was down there for.
alsdfgaklsdjgflmasjdfbklsadufgsak;dufg. i just wish i could explain it.
praise Jesus for never letting go. amen.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

dear candice.
i miss you a lot. here's my bed, because you didn't come over and see it/snuggle with me. sam and i want you back in tauranga quicksmart please. i love you i love you i love you.
it actually looks waaaaay better in person. but... you live too far away to see it proper. (:

'now she's reached destination beautiful.. her favourite spot.'
my girl, as usual did me so proud last night.
lydia hollister-jones; watch out for her. one day the world will hear her. and see her. she's kinda the whole package. looks and talent.
and one of my best friends on the whole world.
love you gorgeous.

Friday, July 24, 2009

so, now i'm not even worth an explanation?
"you know me better than most. i miss it."
"you know how i feel about you lauren."
piss off. stop messing with me. i've got enough to deal with already.
hope she makes you happy.
"i just wanna wrap you in christmas lights and say hallelujah"
-mitchell davis

Thursday, July 23, 2009

yesterday was hell
but today i'm fine without you
runaway this time without you
and all i ever thought you would be
that face is tearing holes in me,

but today i'm fine without you
runaway this time without you
and all the things you put me through
i'm holding on by letting go of you.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

it's 6 past four in the morning.
just woke up from one of the worst nightmares i've had in a while (i have them most nights)
something involving a stolen car, drug addicts, kidnapping, a murder and my brother.
i'm crying, my chest is tight and my breathing is out and i'm too scared to go back to bed.
i can't even text you for help.
i hate this.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

addiction is in, i guess addiction is in, yeah.

Monday, July 20, 2009

hey, i heard you got a new bike.
here goes:
love over lust,
love on lust,
love oh lust,
love orange lust,
love oval lust,
love octopus lust,
love or lust,
love over lies,
love on lies,
love oh lies,
love orange lies,
love oval lies,
love octopus lies,
love or lies.
love over lauren,
love on lauren,
love oh lauren,
love orange lauren,
love oval lauren,
love octopus lauren,
love or lauren.
lemon over lime,
lemon on lime,
lemon oh lime,
lemon orange lime,
lemon oval lime,
lemon octopus lime,
lemon or lime.
lauren over llama,
lauren on llama,
lauren oh llama,
lauren orange llama,
lauren oval llama,
lauren octopus llama,
lauren or llama.
light over lane,
light on lane,
light oh lane,
light orange lane,
light oval lane,
light octopus lane,
light or lane.
laugh over loud,
laugh on loud,
laugh oh loud,
laugh orange loud,
laugh oval loud,
laugh octopus loud,
laugh or loud.
laughter over lies,
laughter on lies,
laughter oh lies,
laughter orange lies,
laughter oval lies,
laughter octopus lies,
laughter or lies.
why did i waste 10 minutes of my life doing that?
lauren is bored. lauren loves eden. happy happy joy joy. come to mine and gimme my picture.
my sister and me, we're tight.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

dear eden finlay;
give me the dallas picture.
oh and... i think i love you. alot.
i saw this, it made me think of you, which made me happy.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be so hard
oh, i'm going back to the start.

Friday, July 17, 2009

and so it goes, the day is okay. the day is usually okay. the day is easier for things to feel okay. light temporarily eases the pain and makes things feel okay. then the sun goes down and the cold, hard night lies ahead. everything hurts more at night. the lonliness, the isolation, the depression intensifies at night. the need to forget. the emptiness inside, the longing for something to change, something to feel that isn't the pain that's been there every night that empties the okay of the day.
and then restless, broken sleep arrives, finally. and then the day arrives. and the day, is okay.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

be sure to contact me when you're done being stubborn and childish.

why can't there be some quick fix solution to all this?
i can't handle these nights. i'm sorry.
and why do you have to be so stubborn and egotistic? can't you see that i need you right now?
oh well i guess. life goes on. and it does, go on.
hope you two girls have a fun night. you've been amazing.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

my brand new queen size bed arrived thismorning.
it's HUGE.
i'm mostly more excited about the gorgeous new sheets and duvet set mum and i found yesterday. looks very classy.
maybe this will make bed time a little bit easier.
this is seriously hard. sup 1:38am still awake.

Monday, July 13, 2009

i'm scared of myself.
i've never been this low before.

i think i've figured it out, we need to be together. like the shore and the sea. we are not one thing, we're drawn here together, my ocean and me.
lately i've been listening to jon foreman's eps a lot. the man is some kind of angel.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.
thank you for everything.
you'll never know how much it means.

Saturday, July 11, 2009


Thursday, July 9, 2009

you disgust me.
i stole my sister's boyfriend. it was all whirlwind heat and flash and within a week we killed my parents and hit the road.

i own absolutely no patience for anything/anyone whatsoever.
and it annoys me alot.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.
-Winnie the Pooh

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

i'm impatient. i have trouble focussing on anything. i get bored easy. my attention span gets shorter and shorter as i get older.
i also have a cinderella colouring-in book. which has held my attention fully and completely for the last 2 and a half hours. oh dear.
and the photo, has nothing to do with anything. i just like it. alot.


lauren, daniel, becky, zoe & sam.
these are my siblings. we hang out in the bathroom sometimes. secretly only two of them are biologically related to me, but sam and zoe might as well be.

so scared of sleeping; that i ditch a sleepover with my best friends because i don't wanna disturb them when i wake up crying/screaming/sweating/barely breathing in the middle of the night. this blows.

Monday, July 6, 2009

You have to be always drunk. That’s all there is to it—it’s the only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually drunk.

But on what? Wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish. But be drunk.

And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace or the green grass of a ditch, in the mournful solitude of your room, you wake again, drunkenness already diminishing or gone, ask the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is singing, everything that is speaking…ask what time it is and wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you: “It is time to be drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish."
Charles Baudelaire

Saturday, July 4, 2009

when the light starts to burn and the pain returns, i just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight. there’s life in your veins, these needles are chains. don’t you doubt. how can you expect to win this war if you’re too afraid to fight?

please, don't.

i just watched this. very good indeed.

Friday, July 3, 2009

this is perfect.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

i think, that the thing that sucks the most is now, we only ever talk when you're so trashed you "might infact dribble".
however, i'm trying to decide whether or not i even care anymore. i think not.

and i am so over your games. i quit.

iWant 2

parachute back again. just the people thanks.

a haircut. desperately.

brandon flowers. always.

to do this. for good this time.

a holiday.

wooden plugs for my ears. finally both at 12mm. so happy.