you know things are bad when going to bed at night, is harder than getting out of it in the morning. in the middle of winter.

i plan on quitting bedtime. it's bad for me. last night i lay in bed, wide awake, from 10.30pm, till after 4am. and then my body finally decided to give me sleep. had a nightmare. there was a terrorist. it was horrible. woke up screaming at 6.30am. so yeah. no more bedtime, no more frustration and no more nightmares.

today has been so good. woke up feeling positive and it's carried me through all day.

things are finally starting to look up;

i'm finishing school at the end of this year. to study counselling at bethlehem tertiary institute. if i can't get in next year, it's definately going to be the year after, and i'll take a year off from education and work so i have money to be a student haha.

but yeah, I'M LEAVING SCHOOL!

obviously this is very exciting for me.

i'm so passionate about helping people out, especially when they're at the lowest and need someone to listen and give advice.

and i've just experienced my lowest.

today i discovered the wonders of herbal cigarettes. thanks honeyrose.

whooooaaaaaahhhhh.

how hot are my parents?!

it ends here. all this silliness and hurting myself and the people i love. no more. no more lies and faking smiles. i'm going to be happy, and i'm going to get stronger. i'm going to start eating and stop the drinking and the smoking and the anger and the swearing and the pushing people out. no more hiding from my feelings, no more hangovers at work, no more taking 8 painkillers to get to sleep every night. no more pretending everything's fine, no more fronts. honesty and open heart is my goal.

confession: i'm not okay.

i need help. i need alot of help. and now i'm going to stop just saying i'm gonna get it, and actually get it.

sammy, kelsey, lydia: i'm sorry for hurting you girls. you are my everything, that's the truth. i don't deserve the three most beauiful, caring, loving, patient, fun, supportive, forgiving best friends in the world. i've messed up badly. i didn't realise that all this was having such a huge impact on you girls.

sammy: you light up my every day. having you at school this year has been the best thing ever. i'll never forgive myself for believing a stupid boy over my best friend. you've been with me through so much, you really are my soul sister. we annoy eachother, yes. but i wouldn't have it any other way. thank you for taking care of me last night. it won't happen again. i didn't mean what i said, you know that.

kelsey: i can't believe how amazing you've been over the last couple of months. your encouraging texts, your willingness to help, your way of telling me exactly what i need to hear exactly when i don't wanna hear it, just the way you look out for me. you deserve the best baby. and i really hope this one works out.

lydia: i'm so sorry i've been avoiding you lately. it's easier than facing up to things. your strength and faith and morals astound me. you are the strongest girl i know. from now on, i tell you everything. the good and the bad. i miss you gorgeous. so bad. ice tea lemonade date tomorrow please.

i'm sorry. i'm so so so sorry.

tatoo:

getting matching with my sister. but i don't know where?

i like my walls, thank you very much.

Gaspard Ulliel:

(maybe 4th on the list....)

i hate bedtime. i hate it i hate it i hate it. i hate waking up from nightmares, freezing and sweating at 3am, every night. then going back into restless "sleep" for another couple of hours. then waking up, relying on coffee to keep me alive for the day, and having the same problem the next night. don't know why i bother, from now on i just won't even try. i'll stay up and do an asssignment or something stupid like that.

i want a sick day. or just for sammy to stop having sick days. come to school bitch. i love you x

i promise you honey, i will do anything to protect you from the world. noone should've ever hurt you like this. you are so precious to me. you light up my day, every single day, you inspire me to smile when all i want to do is cry. thank you for talking to me about stuff tonight. we'll get through this together, i'm here to hold your hand wherever baby. i love you x

top three.

Brandon Flowers

Travis Mccoy

Josh Beech

i love dancing to "smile like you mean it" in the mornings with my brother and sister. then double shot caramel lattes with my sister. then having a really good day. haven't had one of those in weeks. happy happy (:

i want these. in 12mm please and thank you.

heartbroken. in every sense of the word. and it physically hurts. my whole chest.

from this day forward, i'm not going to feel anything for anyone. love hurts too much, hate's too complicated.

a typical conversation in my house:

becky: mum, do we have any glue?

mum: we did, but then you put it all over your hands and let it dry and then peeled it off. remember?

becky: oh yeah...

mum: i told you at the time you'd wish you hadn't done that.

becky: never regret anything that made you happy....

HAHAHAHA. i love my little sister.

another recent favourite;

becky: if i wrote a letter to megan, and addressed it to "voldemort" instead of "megan", but with megan's address, would the postman still know to deliver it to megan?

oh what, she's 14. yes. classic.

9.30pm: 6 paracetamol in one go.

10pm: sit in bed. don't go into the bottom drawer. don't go into the bottom drawer. don't go into the bottom drawer.

10.15pm: send abusive text messages to a certain deserving someone.

10.23pm: read through my journal. read what was going on this time last year. wish for it back.

10.30pm: write down my thoughts. read back through them. realise my life is seriously depressing.

10.45pm: lights out. "we get on"-by kate nash still in my head. dammit.

11pm: lights back on. don't take any more pills. don't take any more pills. don't take any more pills.

11.30pm(ish): fall into some kind of unconcious state.

3am: wake up from a disturbing dream. don't text him. he won't care.

5am: back to sleep.

6.45am: hit snooze.

6.55am: get up. get dressed. bottom drawer.... don't do it.

7.15am: print essay

7.55am: evie picks me up. greerton.... coffee. mcdonalds hash browns, feel sick.

8.44am: late to assembly, with coffee. form teacher makes a snide remark about setting goals to achieve, aimed at me.

school, home, wait for evie to come over.

evie, hurry up. i'm going insane.

i am trying so hard to control myself. not let anything get to me. gotta stay out of the bottom drawer. it will only make things worse. alskdufgalksdjgfalskdjgflaksdjfglaksjdfglaksjdfglaksjdfg. stupid essay.

i managed 1 class today. then i came home with a "headache" and have done absolutely nothing all day. my favourite. but now i've actually got a headache. guess i deserved that. i've found that in general, you get what's coming. if you know what i mean....

damn my immunity to painkillers and inability to sleep. looks like i'll just have to see this headache out.

this week:

feel nothing, think nothing, tell nothing, let nothing in, pretend everything.

oh, and quit fooling yourself, going to bed doesn't mean you're gonna sleep. stay up and write an essay or something. it's more productive than tossing and turning.

"This life... is what you make it. No matter what you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is, you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come & go too. & babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart. but you can't give up because if you give up, You'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole. & that goes for everything; Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, & always, always, always believe in yourself. Because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So. Keep your head high. Keep your chin up. & most importantly, keep smiling. Because life's a beautiful thing & there's so much to smile about."

- Marilyn Monroe