confiscate everything in my bottom drawer. please.

the most annoying thing about essays is that no matter how long you put them off, they're still there. but then i found this gorgeous video and fell in love all over again.

watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f76oTcUD__E

...and she said, "i apologise, i fell in love with the one i told myself i never would. i would've given him anything, just for one kiss. for one moment. just for one daydream to come to life. to be his girl, to be held and loved. to be kissed on the forehead and promised that "everything will be just fine, the world can't hurt you because i love you, and you're safe in my arms" i guess that, the one i let in to my heart, only ever wanted to break it."

and then... "it hurts. i promise you it hurts. i just refuse to show you that he's broken me."

new shoes. but i gok styled them and cut off the fringing. loooooooooky:

annddd.... i love this man more than my life.

"lost, afraid and inlove."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

no you're not. try... "weak, liar and couldn'tcarelessaboutthepeopleyoupretendtolove"

go on. just say it. everything hurts anyway. might as well add a little bit more.

and don't tell me you love me. if you loved me you wouldn't forget about me when i need you the most. you'd be here with me, holding me tight. but you aren't. and you won't.

i

wish

you

cared

as

much

as

you

pretend

to

care.

when i say i don't care/nothing's wrong/i'm fine etc... i'm trying to convince myself.

days just drag now. i try to think as little as possible. feel as little as possible. i'm getting better at it.

i'm sick of being scared to go to sleep.

i've had bob dylan in my head all day.

i have serious trouble sitting still and paying attention to what i'm meant to be paying attention to.

i'd so much rather entertain my daydreams.... to run away to a small house in the middle of nowhere with a fireplace and a kitten and a cosy bed and no stresses or reason to think about anything but freedom and love. please visit me, but only if you're nice. if you just want to hurt or confuse me, kindly stay away.

i seriously need to leave school. it's messing with my mental health.

to do list:

-1000 word classics essay on ancient greek sculpture

-sociology internal

-buy a full length mirror

-stop thinking about boy

-start thinking about school work

-stop feeling

-drink atleast one more double shot coffee today

-tidy my room

-make things right

-cook dinner

-find some sort of appetite to eat dinner

-re paint my nails

-haircut

-listen to the killers louder in the mornings

-coffee date with beth

-take some "mental health" days off school (wag)

-stop drawing on nina in bio

-stop drawing on emily in history

-stop colouring everything in instead of listening to teachers

-leave school

-journal more

-get my other ear up to 12mm

-get some gloves

-be even more excited about yasmin coming home for good on friday

-less blogspot, more essay (unlikely)

-find more painkillers

-stop checking my phone, he won't text me, silly girl

-move to england with kelsey

-get a magic carpet

-watch aladdin with someone

-stop google image searching brandon flowers

-stop google image searching josh beech

-find my ipod

-tidy up evie's ipod

-take my iron pills

-take my calcium pills

-take my vitamin d pills

-decide what to do with my life. preferably something that doesn't involve 7th form

-hang out with people who have a cool outlook on life

-watch home and away

-right now

-publish post

most things on this list will never get done. but it's a nice idea.

i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care.

hey guess what? i don't care.

note to self: it only hurts if you let it hurt. life's easier if you don't feel anything at all, especially not love. good.

dear you,

know that i've told you everything, my fears, my issues, my hurts and insecurities, i'd thank you not to betray the trust i have in you. this is not easy for me. you know my biggest secrets now, and i told you because i needed to for you to understand me. now maybe you do. my heart is so vulnerable for you, it's terrifying. i never planned to fall this hard. but i have, and i do not enjoy being hurt. please and thank you.

omnia vincit amor-love conquers all.

and i'm beginning to realise this statement is truth to the very core.

chrissy-bee, i miss you terribly.

this man is the definition of class. welcome, brandon flowers. (the second photo is my favourite. wow.)

i'm about to do something stupid. and i do not give a damn.

(:

i'd just like the truth please. you know i'm a sucker for you.

and precious girl, you won't read this... but hang in there. please. things are tough now, but they will get better. i love you, seeing you hurting this much kills me. i'm always here. my advice is rubbish but my ears are open and my arms are open.  i'll do anything i can. you're beautiful and worth so much more than you could ever know. the brave face you put on will break eventually, and i'll be there. always. don't listen to what people say, you are so much better than that. please know i'm here, and i'll keep your secrets so close. i care so much. i love you.

hello. i love you. 

Would you pay someone to kill the last person who hurt you most?
nope. i'd miss him too much dammit.

What color are your eyes?
hazelish. but the bits that are meant to be white, are really blue. i'm mutant.

Is your hair naturally straight?
wish it was.

Is there something you want to say to someone but can't / won't?
YES.

What was going through your mind during your last kiss?
i don't even remember. 

Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
i don't even understand my relationship status at this current moment in time.

Have you ever slept in the same bed as the same sex?
yes.

How many cell phones have you had?
4 i think.

What do you think about when you are falling asleep?
i hardly ever fall asleep these days. but if i do, it's him.

Will this weekend be a good one?
doubt it.

What do you need?
coffee. i always need coffee.

Do you use smiles on the computer alot?
depends on what kinda mood i'm in.

When was the last time you bought something?
this afternoon, two packets of painkillers and gum haha.

You have a crazy side?
i guess.


When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
does my brother count? just a few minutes ago.

Has anyone ever told you they love you?
yip.

In one word, how do you feel right now?
tense.

Could you go a month without cursing?
yeah.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
only every day.

Do you know a guy named David?
yes i do.

Who was the last person to make you laugh?
my sister. she's hilarious.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?
yesssssssss.

How tall are you?
161cms and shrinking. seriously.

What do you hear?
the washing machine.

Are there any pictures in your room?
loads.

What are you going to do after this?
go take painkillers and lie in bed.

What were you doing this morning at 4am?
crying i think. 

Do you know anyone that smokes weed?
sure.

Do you call anybody by their last name?
sometimes.

Do you wear makeup?
yes sir. it hides the crazy black circles round my eyes.

Skirts or jeans?
depends on my mood.

Hoops or dangling earrings?
stretchers.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
most nights. not in a depressing way, just in a frustrated way.

How's the weather?
frizzling.

Is anything upsetting you right now?
yeah.

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
nope.

Are you dying to take off your clothes?
what kind of question is that.

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?
auckland.

Told your parents you were going somewhere but went somewhere else?
yeah.

Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life?

yepo.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
texting.

What happened at 10:00 AM?
i started this stupid survey.

Do you drink coffee?
only atleast 4 times every day.

What is the latest you've stayed up in the past week?
i stay up late every night. not intentionally.

If you walk by a mirror, will you check yourself out in it?
i guess.

If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go?
without a second thought. who wants to take me?

Would you eat a live tarantula for $1,000?

nope.

Do you like being around a large group of friends, or a best friend?
both are nice. probably best friend.

Spell your name without a y:
lauren.

What was the last thing you ate?
uhh... i don't remember.

Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to?
no.

Have you ever had the cops called on you?

i'm a good girl.

Do you swallow gum when you're done with it?
depends.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
cucumber.

Ever spin around in circles until you got so dizzy you fell?
sure.

How long does it take for you to take a shower?
10minutes maybe.

Do you live on your own?
that'd be nice.

Is love even real to you?
nothing's really real to me, unless i can touch it. i'm weird like that.

Warm up near a fire or cuddle under the stars?

cuddle neear a fire under the stars.

Do you like to sleep?
what's sleep?

Is your bed comfortable?
yes.

Do you have to sleep with a television on?
ugh no.

Are you in a good mood today?
generally.

Do you need to say anything to someone?
i love you, come back.

How many months until your birthday?
4.

Can you successfully blow up and tie a balloon?
i'm pro at it.

Last person you went swimming with?
never go swimming. i hate it.

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
i guess.

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
school. not keen.

When and where did you last cry?
my bed last night.

Something you're happy about?
seeing the girls tomorrow.

Who are you going to marry?
you tell me.

What color shirt are you wearing?

black twloha hoodie.

Would you live with someone without marrying them?
i'm not married to anyone in my family and i've lived with them for 16 years.