Friday, December 18, 2009

i feel like i'm finally in the process of healing. most of my days are good days now, i'm done with feeling sorry for myself and letting things get the better of me. those were the days when i wasn't happy. now i am happy, more than that i'm joyful now. not every day is good, but i'm learning how to deal with it right. sometimes i wish healing just happened, like i click my fingers and i'm better, my heart doesn't hurt, my scars are gone, my addictions can't hold me, i don't feel darkness. but what would i be learning if it just happened like that, in one moment. i'm being healed from the inside, with the love of my Jesus, the love of my family, the love of my friends. it hurts. it hurts so much. and sometimes i lose enthusiasm, sometimes i just want to slip back. but always someone picks me back up again. i'm blessed, i'm so blessed. my life is good, my life is so good. this year has been the worst of my life but i know everything happened for a reason. "every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart" right? i know so much more about life now than i did before any of this. i know that people are broken, i know that hate hurts so much and forgiveness is the first step to healing, i know that holding everything in is unhealthy and that telling someone, being vulnerable is the hardest, best thing you can do. noone cares what you look like after you've been crying, they just care that you've cried, in their arms.. i know what best friends means. i know that probably no boy, no matter how charming he is will ever come close to holding my heart again. i know that if i end up in hospital for attempted suicide, with a needle in my arm and a team of psych nurses around me, my parents will buy me a new bed and send me to counselling. but more importantly that my Jesus will cradle me in his arms and restore me until i can stand again, he'll love me even though i've broken his heart, and he'll forgive me even though i fall short. i'm starting to know the meaning of true friendship. i'm waiting for next year, so that i can make up for the mess i've made of this year. all i want is deep relationship with my Jesus. call me stupid, but i've tried living without him, and i almost didn't come out the other end.
bring on 2010.

3 comments:

chrissybizzle said...

i am so super proud of you and thankful to our jesus, you will never stand alone. i love you xox

shannon said...

this is amazing and i love how strong youre getting with the help of him love you mclaurey!

我 moi said...

This is going to probably sound so readable to you but I understand what you are going through (and amazingly blogging about it helps).
Have a Merry Christmas!