why can't there be some quick fix solution to all this?

i can't handle these nights. i'm sorry.

and why do you have to be so stubborn and egotistic? can't you see that i need you right now?

oh well i guess. life goes on. and it does, go on.

hope you two girls have a fun night. you've been amazing.

my brand new queen size bed arrived thismorning.

it's HUGE.

i'm mostly more excited about the gorgeous new sheets and duvet set mum and i found yesterday. looks very classy.

maybe this will make bed time a little bit easier.

this is seriously hard. sup 1:38am still awake.

i'm scared of myself.

i've never been this low before.

i think i've figured it out, we need to be together. like the shore and the sea. we are not one thing, we're drawn here together, my ocean and me.

lately i've been listening to jon foreman's eps a lot. the man is some kind of angel.

your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.

thank you for everything.

you'll never know how much it means.

change.

freedom.

hope.

peace.

love.

faith.

focus.

passion.

amen.

weakling.

you disgust me.

i stole my sister's boyfriend. it was all whirlwind heat and flash and within a week we killed my parents and hit the road.

i own absolutely no patience for anything/anyone whatsoever.

and it annoys me alot.

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.

-Winnie the Pooh

i'm impatient. i have trouble focussing on anything. i get bored easy. my attention span gets shorter and shorter as i get older.

i also have a cinderella colouring-in book. which has held my attention fully and completely for the last 2 and a half hours. oh dear.

and the photo, has nothing to do with anything. i just like it. alot.

whanau.

lauren, daniel, becky, zoe & sam.

these are my siblings. we hang out in the bathroom sometimes. secretly only two of them are biologically related to me, but sam and zoe might as well be.

so scared of sleeping; that i ditch a sleepover with my best friends because i don't wanna disturb them when i wake up crying/screaming/sweating/barely breathing in the middle of the night. this blows.

You have to be always drunk. That’s all there is to it—it’s the only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually drunk.

But on what? Wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish. But be drunk.

And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace or the green grass of a ditch, in the mournful solitude of your room, you wake again, drunkenness already diminishing or gone, ask the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is singing, everything that is speaking…ask what time it is and wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you: “It is time to be drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish."

— Charles Baudelaire

when the light starts to burn and the pain returns, i just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight. there’s life in your veins, these needles are chains. don’t you doubt. how can you expect to win this war if you’re too afraid to fight?

please, don't.

i just watched this. very good indeed.

this is perfect.

i think, that the thing that sucks the most is now, we only ever talk when you're so trashed you "might infact dribble".

however, i'm trying to decide whether or not i even care anymore. i think not.

and i am so over your games. i quit.

iWant 2

parachute back again. just the people thanks.

a haircut. desperately.

brandon flowers. always.

to do this. for good this time.

a holiday.

wooden plugs for my ears. finally both at 12mm. so happy.

tattoo.

iWant:

this charming young lady to move in next door to me/see me this weekend/know that i love her more than almost anything on the planet.

a good nights sleep. without the nightmares. or the aspirin.

this individual, whoever he may be, to show up on my doorstep and give me the rest of that cigarette. and possibly his hat.

or this individual. just to show up on my doorstep would be enough thanks.

a storm tonight.

tickets to see anberlin in august.

a hug.

this individual,

or this one.

and to actually understand that:

thank you very much.

had a whole bunch of things to say on here. but now my mind's blank. all i can think about is how much i love crime shows. i could watch CSI for days on end. or criminal minds. maybe criminal minds actually. who's keen?

hhmmmmm, probably noone.

here, my dear, this is where... we shake the nightmare free. i dream to hold you in my arms... to hold you in my arms. wide awake, in my arms.

i just love these so much. heaps more here.

today is not on my side.

i woke up late, to instant coffee, INSTANT coffee.

got to school. in a downer mood. funny how everyone's so annoying when you don't wanna be around human beings.

got my history essay back with a lovely big NOT ACHIEVED across the top. super.

kept my mouth shut the entire hour of sociology.

best friend tells me at lunch time that some girls i don't even know, and who definately don't even know me, were having a nice little bitch session about something they know nothing about. i love when people make assumptions. so now i'm a "slut". which is awesome. i swear if they had any idea whatsoever, they'd keep their mouths well and truly shut.

on second thought, i guess it's better for them to think what they think, than to know the truth.

cried.

had an arguement with someone i despise arguing with.

offloaded onto kels.

pushed away her advice.

sorry kelsey.

cried again.

didn't have the patience for people in english.

oh oh oh, and how about we make it all better; i have parent teacher interviews now. which i have to attend with mother dearest. which will definately result in a lecture, tears and another lecture. no doubt about it.

i do, however, LOVE this picture. we found it in a fashion magazine a while ago. it's gorgeeeous.

christopher drew.

okay okay, sam. it's just the picture that i like. it is very delicious.

what made me very happy tonight, was a 3 way MSN conversation with kelsey and lydia. signed in and found them BOTH online. it was like christmas. honestly. then i cried with laughter at kelsey's typing errors. hilarious i tell you. love you girls. "bagy"

kelsey andrew.

where are you in my life? i worked out that i haven't laid eyes on you for like, a month. A MONTH kelsey, not impressed. probably miss you quite a bit. probably believe that we have a lot to catch up on. probably think you should move in next door. seriously, do it. i'd be a very happy girl.

so today in classics, i wasn't doing my work, obviously.

instead; i was looking through hannah's programme for the performing arts competitions. i may or may not have counted how many classes you're shaking your ass (dancing) in. 9 tap, and 7 modern or something? well, that's what i counted. came to the conclusion that you are some kind of dancing machine and that i will be coming to watch one or two of these dances. good. brilliant.

it is true. i miss you a lot. must see you ASAP. or i'll go even crazier than what i am now.

these things remind me of you on a regular basis:

you still have my ricky DVD's. better be taking extra special care. this is turning into a really long post. i don't really care.

is it out of line, if i was to be bold and say, would you be mine?

SAAAYYYYYY IIITTTTTTT. you know what i mean. good girl.

i better be seeing you this weekend. i love you.

sleeping=ugh.

days just drag now. draggity drag drag drag.

i want cigarettes. someone, please?